


Take This To Your Grave.

by NymeriaKing (DisappearingGirl)



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Force Ghost Ben Solo, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Post-Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker, Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-19
Updated: 2020-01-19
Packaged: 2021-02-27 08:40:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,206
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22324225
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DisappearingGirl/pseuds/NymeriaKing
Summary: Hux and Ren swore never to tell of their affair. In life, sneaking around First Order personnel to maintain their secret was difficult. After the fall, remaining unseen by Resistance victors to quietly reunite is easy — but there is a price.
Force-nulls can't see Kylo.Hux is a Force-null.Post-TROS, Poe Dameron interviews former General Hux to learn what turned him against the First Order.
Relationships: Armitage Hux/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 28
Kudos: 142





	Take This To Your Grave.

**Author's Note:**

> This fic deals with the canonical death of a main character.
> 
> Inspired by [this tweet](https://twitter.com/ReluctantAwe/status/1209534278717132800).

Everyone dies at least twice.

There's that time when, you know, you end up in a situation that does inconceivable damage to your body, and it fails. That's the first death.

The second death, as some believe, happens when the memory of you is forgotten. The stars turn, and no one knows your name anymore. Whatever impact you left upon the world is lost.

Kylo Ren finds himself having died twice before the "second" death begins. It's a new one, a painful one, only achievable by those who might linger with one foot in the mortal realm for a bit longer than most. It is the gaping hole left in his heart by a few words gasped brokenly in a dark cell.

"Why?" Hux chokes, whispering to himself or to some star or to some ghost quickly dissipating. "Why didn't you kill me before you died?"

But the ghost at which his rage is directed isn't dissipating. No, Kylo has to hang around.

×××

"So, this whole time, you were working against him?"

"Ever since I met him."

"Because you hated him so much that you wanted him to lose?"

Hux's form is stone still for a few long seconds before he shakes his head. "No. It was never like that, I'm afraid."

Poe hums. He's been coming to speak with Hux a few times a week while trying to figure out what to do with an enemy-turned-mole. "What was it like, then? Why did you stay there for so long, working to undo everything you had built yourself? You had an empire, and you loved it, but you purposefully deconstructed every bit of it, and you never killed Kylo Ren." He shakes his head slowly, clearly confused and unable to reconcile all the information he has. For all the raw data, all the logic, there's one thing he hasn't thought to take into account.

There's a thorn in Hux's heart, and he's caught between plucking it out to bleed freely and keeping it plugged in to stem the flow. No matter what he does, its pain is a bright and piercing one, and he struggles to breathe through it. "If there's anything to know about me, Dameron, it's that I can't lose."

He spreads his hands wide in false security, false safety, trying to coax more out of him. "But wh—"

"I'm tired," Hux snaps, not falling for it. "I'm done answering questions for the day."

 _"Hux,"_ Kylo murmurs, trying to capture his attention.

Poe huffs and leans back in his chair, appraising the ex-general for the final time that night. "I'll be back tomorrow."

He stares down at the interviewing table. "Fine."

"Fine," Poe mutters back, mocking him. He rises from his seat and leaves the room, gesturing for the guards to come in and escort the thin man back up to his penthouse quarters.

The guards walk in, boots ringing out with every rubbery smack on the concrete floor, and lift Hux from his chair.

Kylo watches silently as they secure the restraints around his wrists and walk him to the door. When the door opens, he watches them step out. As the door begins to slide closed, he calls out. _"Hux!"_

But it never works. No one ever hears him. These nulls can't commune with the Force and its anomalies. 

×××

"Why did you turn against your life's work?"

Hux huffs a short laugh, head down as he digs the nonexistent dirt out from under his fingernails — a move Kylo has watched a thousand times. "You'll never get anywhere with me if you keep that attitude."

Across the table, Poe frowns. "I'm sorry, am I not being respectful enough, Mister Mass Murderer?"

Hux bites back a smile. "I'm not talking about your feelings, Dameron. I'm talking about your ultimate understanding. It's wrong."

Poe stares at him for a while, not saying anything, and Hux blinks slowly with half a threat to drift off to sleep at the interviewing table before the pilot finally speaks. "Explain." Of course he'd be reluctant to admit to not knowing something.

Balling his fists, Hux curls his arms loosely around his middle and takes a slow, deep breath. "You say I turned against my life's work. Why do you think that's what I did?"

He levels him a flat look. "Because you did it."

Hux smiles. "Again, _why_ do you think that's what I did? What was my life's work, in your view?"

Poe opens his mouth to speak before closing it again quickly. He takes a while to think. "Are you saying," he starts, snapping his jaw shut once more. He huffs, looks away, looks back at Hux. "You're telling me that I don't understand your life, aren't you?"

Kylo doesn't need to hold back his laugh, but he does anyway. _"Of course."_

"Of course," Hux says, echoing him.

Poe's lips tighten. "Tell me, then. What have I got wrong?"

Hux smirks. "Everything."

"Specifically," he clarifies. "And keep it relevant."

Turning away, Hux sighs. He stares at the bare wall for some time before he whispers. "My life's work has always been to win. That's all."

Silence builds in the room after that, uncomfortably loud among the two men and the ghost.

"Dismantling the First Order was the only way for me to win."

"That doesn't make any sense," Poe mumbles.

He shakes his head. "To you, I can't imagine it would. Your entire life, all you've known is privilege and acceptance. Your standards must be high and inclusive."

"So, what? You only wanted to win by a little?" he asks, leaning forward on his crossed arms. "That's why you switched sides?"

"Switched sides," Hux whispers, shaking his head minutely. "You have too much to learn, and I'm afraid I haven't the patience for it today." Looking over at Poe, his face crumples a bit, only a little but just enough that Kylo can tell. "If," he chokes, " _if_ you promise to be respectful, to listen and let me set the record straight, and to allow certain comforts, then I may offer a full disclosure, if only to answer your one question."

He shrugs. "We'll see."

×××

Poe starts meeting Hux in the luxury penthouse they consider his prison cell. He's deemed mostly harmless, and Poe hates the hassle of coordinating their meetings in interview rooms, so no one argues against it — except for Kylo, who doesn't have a say. Hux still doesn't say much, though, so the two men never spend very long together, only a few minutes at a time at first before a breakthrough happens.

BB-8 never comes up to Hux's suite, too stubborn to adopt a new opinion on the ex-general, so Poe is always alone with Hux during their meetings. It's tense and stilted, and Hux never relaxes. But one day, when Hux opens the door for Poe and invites him inside, a little green and white droid appears in the hallway behind him. 

Hux looks at Poe, who is already making himself at home on the sofa, then back down at the droid. He's never seen it before, but it looks fairly basic and harmless with its single wheel and conical face. It must be an assistant. He smiles at it. "Come on in, then."

In a blur, it rolls through the doorway and into the living room, offering a rushed, "Hello. Thank you."

Hux bites back a chuckle at the quirky behavior and follows the pair into his living room and takes a seat on the opposite sofa. "New droid," he points out.

"He's following me around for a couple days because his usual friend is away on business," Poe explains with a shrug. "Hope you don't mind."

"I don't mind at all, actually." He bites his lip and pulls his hands into his lap, confession easy on his tongue. "I've always preferred droids to people. They're much more predictable."

The words thrum in Kylo's chest, stirring up old memories — both his and Hux's — of violent encounters and cruel remarks, of contusions and tears, of loud fights and quiet nights. The vicious nature of humanity has always been foremost on Hux's mind, a nightmare he could never wake from. Resigning himself to a corner of the room, he sulks and watches Hux quickly unravel under the uneven pressure.

"People are just too much fun for you, huh?" Dameron snorts.

Hux visibly tenses, shoulders shrinking, and he shifts all his focus onto the little droid at Poe's feet, ignoring the remark. "What's his name?"

Eyeing him for a moment, Poe frowns. "Dee-oh."

The little droid, D-O, shyly rolls from behind the shielding of his human's legs, scanning Hux's visage. "Hello. I am Dee-oh."

A small smile makes its way onto Hux's face. "Hello, Dee-oh. I'm Hux. It's nice to meet you."

D-O whirrs softly in acknowledgement and rolls back behind Poe's legs, and Hux sinks back into the sofa with a sigh.

"Huh," Poe scoffs, looking back and forth between Hux and the droid. "I don't think I've ever seen you be so polite with a person as you just were with Dee-oh."

Hux rolls his eyes. "I just told you I prefer droids to people, didn't I?"

"Yeah, but…" Poe shakes his head, confused, then quickly glances down to D-O and back up at Hux. He looks at each of them again. "Are you scared or something?"

Hux doesn't move, nor does he say a word. He keeps his eyes fixed on a corner over Poe's shoulder — the one Kylo is sulking in.

For a moment, Kylo's heart skips a beat. Hux's eyes are staring right at him, wide and blown out and positively terrified. Hux isn't looking at him; he's looking back into his own past, one he can't ever seem to escape. _"Hux, it's okay. He isn't taunting you."_

"I said, are you scared?" Poe repeats.

"Stop," Hux gasps, closing his eyes against the room.

 _"Hux, please,"_ he whispers.

Hux shakes his head. "Don't say that."

"But—"

"I'm done. That's enough for the day." Standing up, he opens his bleary eyes to the floor and ushers Poe up and toward the door.

Poe doesn't fight him, but he does turn around at the door.

"Don't push it, Dameron," Hux mutters before he can say a word. "One person. I've only ever trusted one person, and it's not you."

If Kylo tries hard enough, he can pretend the one person is him.

Poe nods. "Okay. Thank you. Um. Tomorrow? I want to hear about this one person, if you're willing to talk."

"Maybe," Hux whispers. When Poe leaves, he makes to close the door.

"You are kind."

Hux pauses with his hand on the knob, door halfway shut, and stares down at D-O. "What?"

"You are kind," repeats the droid, speaker crackling as it speaks. It rolls back in an imitation of nervousness, turning to look down the hall at Poe's retreating figure before looking back up at Hux. "Thank you."

"Oh," Hux sighs, bringing a hand up to his mouth. "You're welcome."

The droid rolls off.

Kylo watches Hux carefully close the door and break down. _"I'm sorry."_

×××

When Poe comes back the next day, followed once again by D-O, the session lasts longer.

It starts off polite, glasses of water poured and living room shared, and proceeds comfortably with very few direct questions asked.

"Why are you so nice to Dee-oh?" Poe asks.

"Why shouldn't I be?" Hux fires back.

"Why shouldn't you be as nice to people as you are to him?"

That question raises a brow and strikes a nerve.

Poe frowns at him. "I think it's a fair question that deserves an answer. Don't you?"

Wary, Kylo turns to appraise Hux.

He swallows, curling his arms around himself. "That droid hasn't done anything bad to me," he murmurs, confident for only a second before realizing that he's made a mistake.

Kylo cringes in sympathy, knowing how it burns to reveal a weakness.

Poe leans in. "Hasn't? In the past? I don't think most people—"

"He _won't_ do anything to me," Hux hisses. "He can't. He's completely incapable. Now, do yo— Do you understand? Are you ready to make your assumptions, draw your conclusions about what I'm afraid of?"

Leaning back, Poe shakes his head. "I promised not to assume anything."

After a minute of studying him, Hux nods and relaxes again. "I never had parents, only a commanding officer and a broken nanny droid."

"Wait, really?" Poe huffs. "I thought that was just a joke about you being so emotionless."

He shakes his head. "I was young and impressionable, and I learned a lot from growing up like that. For one, droids are simple and honest, but people aren't bound to such standards. You can probably tell from my rank how I felt about being stuck under another person's thumb."

"Except for one person," Poe fills in, "right? That's what you said the other day."

Kylo takes his gaze off Hux. He doesn't want to hear about this special person who won his trust when Kylo never could.

With a sigh, Hux nods slowly. "Even that was painful and turbulent, so don't you go thinking that I've ever for a minute been a healthy and well-adjusted person."

Poe laughs. "Oh, I won't ever make that mistake."

×××

Kylo doesn't know why he hangs around anymore. Watching Hux break down in fits of sobs and flirt with Poe and lie awake at night and make sad eyes at D-O and eat almost nothing doesn't make him feel any better in death than he did while he was being tortured in life. Yet, when Poe comes around to weasel more information out of Hux than Kylo could ever do with his mind-reading, he finds himself listening.

"All throughout my childhood, I only ever had one objective."

"What was that?"

"To survive."

Poe is silent. D-O whirs sympathetically from his spot by his feet. 

"That's why you struggle so much to understand me, Dameron. When I say I can't lose, I don't mean a desire to win silly competitions. I mean that I can't afford not to come out on top because the stakes are high. Letting my guard down around a person could be the end of me. It's always been this way."

After a long moment of silence, Poe speaks. "Is that why you're so reluctant to talk to me? Because you think it's giving up, losing? You're afraid your words will kill you?"

Hux shakes his head. "Not for years, actually. No," he whispers. "Not for half my life or more. It's not so complex as a thought at this point. I don't have to _think_ it because I already _know_ that my words can kill me."

Slowly, Poe nods. "I understand. Thank you." He ends the session early.

×××

Kylo can't do anything meaningful anymore. He can talk to Hux, and he can watch Hux, but he can't interact with him. His existence is empty, meaningless. It's torture.

While Hux sits in a ball on his sofa, quietly breathing and barely moving, Kylo can only sit opposite him and wait for it to pass.

 _"I'm sorry you're stuck here,"_ he whispers. _"I'm sorry you're alone."_ But what else is there to say? It's all for naught. _"I love you."_

×××

"So, what does it take for you to trust a person?" Poe asks, reclining on the sofa like he owns the place. "How could anyone seduce you through all the fear and loathing?"

At the word _seduce_ , Kylo glares.

Hux laughs. "Leverage. Counterattack."

Poe rolls his eyes. "Of course."

"Alternatively, if they scare me enough," he says, breath hitching, "that could also tip the scales."

Poe smirks. "Kinky."

Kylo bristles.

×××

Hux spent the entire previous night crying in some way or another, so Kylo knew the next session would be short before Poe even arrived. 

"When did you first make a move against the First Order?" Poe asks, eyes narrowed.

"When it was apparent that I would die," Hux answers, eyes rimmed with dark circles. 

"Yeah, but when did you know they were going to lose? It never looked like that from the Resistance's perspective."

Hux waves that off. "That's irrelevant. I didn't care about the First Order enough to think about their fate by that point."

Poe shakes his head, puts up a hand. "Hold on, I'm lost."

Rolling his eyes, Hux frowns. "You still think that the military institution in which I was raised the way I was could possibly be _my_ life's work, my entire life, the thing I cared about most?"

He nods. "Well?"

"I'll tell you a secret, Dameron. I've hated the First Order since its inception. All it's ever been to me is a mountain that separates the weak from the strong. No more."

Kylo frowns at Poe as his face scrambles in confusion. If he could, he'd beat these answers into Poe so Hux wouldn't have to dwell on them.

"So, you _didn't_ bail because you thought they would lose?"

"I wanted to save my life, and it had nothing to do with them."

"You'll have to explain."

Hux sighs. "Tomorrow. I'm too tired to deal with you."

×××

"Where were we? Let's see." Poe hums. "You saved your life, but it had nothing to do with the First Order."

"Wrong."

"What? You said that."

"No, I said that I _wanted_ to save my life, not that I was successful."

At that, Kylo blinks slowly at Hux. From his appearance, it's clear. He's thin, his hair is dull, and his eyes are dark. In some way, Hux _has_ died. It hurts to see, and Kylo takes a seat on the empty end of his couch, wishing he could fix this. 

"Oh, okay." Poe nods. "Imprisonment sucks, so that makes sense."

"You're still wrong," Hux rasps.

"What?"

"My life ended before you ever captured me," he murmurs. "As I said before, it never had anything to do with you or the First Order, only with _my_ life."

"You've just been a lone wolf all this time, is that it?"

Hux freezes, eyes glued to the floor. His throat clicks when he swallows and rasps when he speaks. "I am now, I suppose."

Kylo freezes, staring at him. He _was_ a lone wolf, he could have sworn. He never had friends, except maybe some sliver of conversation with Phasma or Mitaka, and he never had a lover. It was only him, always alone. Whenever Kylo would visit him, spend the night, or spend the day, they were alone together.

And then it hits.

Poe is quiet while the gears in his brain churn, the life-not-saved notch finally hitting the now-alone nook, and then his mouth rounds out into an O. "You've only ever trusted one person," he whispers. "You were…"

Hux curls his hands into tight fists. "I'm done with this for now. You need to leave."

Poe leaves.

Hux's breakdown hits a new and silent and tearless low.

Kylo can't even say a word to him, can't tell him that he isn't alone.

He's a ghost now, and Hux can't hear him, but worse — he would be lying. Hux _is_ alone now.

×××

"When did it happen?" Poe murmurs.

"Which part of it?"

"Well," Poe pauses, twiddling his thumbs. "Any of it, I guess, but there must have been a start."

Hux's mouth twists into a frown, and Kylo's mirrors it. "The start was horrible. We hated each other for longer than we even knew each other."

Poe coughs a laugh. "You can skip to the part where your most hated enemy became your life, if you'd like."

"That took a lot of moments, if I'm honest. It wasn't ever that simple." He shrugs lightly, rolling his eyes. "When I first met him, I—"

"Him?"

Hux raises a brow. "Does that really matter so much to you?"

"I mean…," Poe hums. 

"If you're not a therapist, you definitely aren't ready to dig into my lifelong psychological issues with men, so I recommend you leave it."

With a snap and a finger gun, Poe nods.

Hux rolls his eyes. "As I was saying, he was no more than a confused child when I met him. He strove toward extremism to bolster his image as someone possessing power and control, but it only ever made him look volatile and fragile. He was lucky to be surrounded by a host of people who craved order above all because his unpredictability stoked enough fear to keep him isolated."

 _Yeah_ , Kylo thinks. Hux has already told him as much.

"So," Poe says, "where did you come in?"

Hux grimaces. "We were _forced_ to spend most of our time together. For a long time, the most we did was break things in trying to bend the other to our ways."

"But?"

"But," Hux echoes, "somewhere along the way, we had the horrible idea to unleash our frustrations on each other instead of on expensive equipment."

Poe chuckles. "Kinky."

Kylo rolls his eyes.

"Horrific, actually," Hux corrects with a frown. "I broke his arm one time. He broke my collarbone and tore my shoulder. We each got a few ribs here and there. It was no more than dirty wrestling, until it wasn't; things eventually devolved into something more primal, as they often do with angry men."

"Then it got kinky?" Poe inquires, wiggling a brow, and Kylo drops his head into his hands.

Hux shakes his head. "The best I can describe it, it got desperate. Desperation isn't fun or sexy. Desperation is sad, and…" His voice wavers. "And sad is all we ever were. It's, it's all we ever got to be."

Kylo know there isn't much energy left in Hux to keep pumping this sorrow out, but it comes along anyway, fueled by something deep and full of darkness. It echoes in his own chest, purples and blues crumpled like paper and chewed up like pulp, constantly burning cold like the vacuum of space.

"We never even—," he chokes. "We couldn't even talk about it. We swore not to, in fact. If he could hear me now, he'd hate me for saying anything. I was supposed to take that secret to my grave, a-as he did."

If he could, Kylo would take that promise back. But it's too late.

Poe frowns. "You loved him, didn't you?"

Abruptly, Hux stands and walks to the door, opening it and gesturing to the hallway outside. "Out. Now."

When Poe takes a second too long to respond, Hux shouts, voice thin. 

"Get out!"

Muttering a series of placidities, Poe carefully removes himself from the apartment. D-O follows on his heels, and Hux closes the door after them.

Shaking, Hux immediately drops to his knees and is overcome with trembles and shakes and hoarse cries. No tears come.

As always, Kylo curses himself for being so useless and such a burden in death.

×××

"There's no such thing as love," Hux remarks. 

"Is that what you tell yourself?"

"Every damn day."

Poe scoffs. "Does it make you feel better?"

"It makes me feel less," he answers dryly.

"And that's better?" Poe inquires.

 _"Why would you want that?"_ Kylo whispers. For as long as he's known him, Hux has only ever wanted to feel like a robot. He could never understand why.

Hux pauses a moment, looking down at his lap where his hands rest, linked together. "It's more tolerable."

Silently, Poe nods. "I understand."

Kylo sighs. He can't understand. He must not ever have felt Hux's true level of pain, if everything hurts.

×××

"What started the hard split?" Poe asks, gesturing with his hands. "What was the final straw that made you cut a hole in the First Order and ditch it? What chance did you take, and why? You've told me so much but so little; I can't connect anything. I don't get the point. What happened?"

Hux shrugs. "This man confided in me something truly terrifying. I knew then that the only way we could come out of this alive was to push him in the other direction, away from all his horrible choices."

Kylo closes his eyes. Hux wanted to save him from his own choices? Which choices?

Poe leans in and whispers. "What did he say that was so bad?"

With a small shrug, Hux turns his eyes down to his lap. "He told me that love was torture. He said that it was tearing him apart, like a carrot dangled in front of him while his ankles are chained. It's blinding and all-consuming and can lead only to the Dark side, and the Dark was going to waste him. But he was enthralled, addicted. He couldn't quit."

Slowly, Poe blinks and looks away.

Hux speaks again. "I had to make him leave me. I had to make him hate the Dark. I had to make him lose and face ultimate defeat so that he could get back up and walk away." He takes a minute to breathe deeply, face wan. "The only hope I had was that he would change. Otherwise, Ren would have died, and it would've killed me. That's why I never tried to kill him."

"But Kylo Ren died anyway."

Hux nods, resigned. "We died anyway."

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading.
> 
> I'm on [twitter](https://mobile.twitter.com/nymeriaking).


End file.
